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Nomad on the Gender Spectrum | LGBTPost

Nomad on the Gender Spectrum

It seems your message can get lost in the language of the world. Your own personal truth. The message that you wrote to yourself years ago. It gets smudged under a coffee cup. The ink fades.

When I began transitioning I did so under the faulty assumption that there were just two genders up for grabs. The expectations of femininity didn’t suit me so I assumed that I had to pick the other option. I didn’t realize it didn’t have to be an either/or situation. I set out because I knew I had a truth that I was trying to reach. A something about me that I had to find. So, I got the counseling. I started the doctor visits and I evolved.

Read More: Why I Removed My Blog Post — The Fine Line Between Creating Change And Creating Walls

Through the windows of my eyes, I observed my body shift. My hairline recede, my arms grow larger, my face turn into someone else’s. I watched an old version of me fade into a new one. I’d study my hands each morning. The new hairs sprouting, the texture changing. It was a rapid progression to somewhere. An uncertain somewhere. Three years into this physical transformation, I started catching glimpses of that person I had been trying to reach. There. There in that mirror, there he was. And ‘he’ was. I treasured this time. I felt deeply rooted in my flesh. I felt like a beast. Strong, but not too strong. Still soft. Something about my face still held some femininity. My hair still full. My eyes sparkling with life. I felt unstoppable. I felt sexy. These feelings surrounded me for a year. I lived in a palace of excess.

Then gradually it began to change. My hair moved further back on my head. My face started to look worn. My hands odd. My eyes dull. I was losing something. Something was leaving me. Something I loved. Someone I knew slipping through my fingers. I saw shallowness and anger. I saw something I wasn’t. I had to do something. Stop this progression. I moved my testosterone levels down. After a month, I started to feel that vibration of me.

Read More: 5 Things I Learned Taking T

And now, I’m at a stage where I realize, just like full fledge femininity didn’t suit me, neither does being immersed in masculinity. I crave that middle space — that sacred space. When I was in my late 20s I tried to expand my masculinity and now in my early 30s I’m grasping at my femininity.

My message is coming in clear. I’ve cleared away the mess and I see that note to myself — coffee stains and all. I’m a nomad on the gender spectrum.

Find more of Leo’s work at leocaldwell.com

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